I've already explained why we have little to fear, at least from ourselves, in the future. Even I was surprised by how optimistic that post was. Go me. No...wait...go us. That's right, humanity, share in the glory. I can't take it all. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back. It's ok, no one's looking. How do I know? If they were, they already would have fired you for reading my blog on the clock. Or me for writing on the clock.
Anyway, post-posting, I found myself in a state of rare optimism, when lo and behold someone had to rain on my parade. It seems some rascally nay-sayers have taken it upon themselves to contend with my theory of "Eh...chill out...it'll be ok". It seems these Philistines don't share in my glass-half-full-of-really-awesome-beer outlook concerning the fate of the human race. Bastards. Why do you have to piss in the punch? "Happy" isn't good enough for you? Reject blissful ignorance? Well I say that's your problem. Yes, you. Yes. You. Well who else would I be talking to, Mr. Stephen Hawking???
That's right, four eyes, I'm calling you out. See it turns out some people have my back. They're not afraid to stand up to you and your elitist science friends. Besides, they only like you cause you let them ride on the back of your chair down steep hills.
A few of them, my real friends, that is, let me know about your dirty little tricks. Yeah, that's right, I'm on to you. We're gonna has this out right here and now, Darth Physicist.
Readers, let me fill you in on what I learned this week. It seems Dr. Hawking here has been using his space magic to go back in time just to throw a wrench in my blog. Why? He went to the future, realized nerds will never 'get the girl', and saw how ridiculously famous and influential I will become. So he wrote yet another book that people will buy and put on their side table to show off to friends, but will never actually read. Then he went back to 2010 and had it published. Then he went back to 2009 and did some interviews about it. Sneaky little pencil jockey.
So he puts out this book with one purpose and one purpose only. To make me look bad. See the premise of this book is...well, far too boring to actually read. But somewhere in this book he used that dark matter magic to 'prove' that if there are aliens out there, and there are, they are most likely hostile. And we should fear them. His proof? His great case study? His alleged "facts"???? Human behavior. If we love raping, brutalizing, and pillaging so much, why shouldn't aliens? If we try to colonize and enslave every strange culture we meet, why shouldn't they?
Sh*t.
But what about...oh, wait, never mind. Bet then there's...oh...that's no good either. OOOOOOOOO...but what about hope, peace, the sharing of culture, and the Carl Sagan-esque utopia that awaits us beyond the stars!?!?!?!?!
Columbus, Cortez, Ivan the Terrible, Genghis Khan, Pizarro, Balboa, Magellan, pretty much every white person in North America from 1350-1890, pretty much everyone in Africa since the dawn of time, China (the country), and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on...and on.
And on.
Then, as if that wasn't enough, he paid off some if his pipe smoking friends in the academic elite to publish a whole crap ton of other papers and scientific gobbledygook stating that we should get our first glimpse of alien life...this year. 2011. It may be all clicks and beeps at this point, but still...crap.
Not only that, but when we do get the messages, we're looking at many decades to decode them into characters that we will still most likely be unable to decipher or combine into meaningful information of any kind. We're looking at millenia before we could open a true dialogue, and that's assuming they don't Death Star our planet in the meantime.
I guess you win this round, Hawking. I must admit it's no surprise you're so petty that you're willing to take humanity down just to make me look bad. You even engineered the situation to make sure I was still right, but that my argument no longer mattered. Well played, sir. Well played.
Agree or disagree, I hope you think Hawking's a d-bag now too. Thanks for reading.
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