Relax. It doesn't say "prenatal", it says "parental". Yes, I, your fearless writer, am jumping into the abyss that is the "Tiger Mother" backlash. If you're not up to speed, you can read about it...anywhere. Popping "Tiger Mother" into just about any search engine will get you 1 to 1500 articles and blog posts about Amy Chua. And look at me, adding to the melee. Shame shame shame.
I don't have to much to say about it, but you can bet your buttons I have something to say about it. Generally, I believe that overparenting is far less distasteful and dangerous than underparenting. I see so much underparenting that I must admit that I can feel myself happily and heartily excusing overparenting when I witness it.
Let's take a quick sidebar to define these terms so we're all on the same page:
Overparent (verb): the act of doing more than you should as a parent, be it enforcing unneccesary behaviors on your child or elliciting unnatural actions and/or reactions from your child.
Underparent (verb): the act of failing to provide basic protection, nutrition, education, appropriate behavioral guidance, and emotional care to your child.
Basically, one is doing too much, the other is doing too little. Is that a fine enough line for you? Well they're the buckets that American culture has given us with which to define all parenting. Welcome to a happy-medium-free culture
This lady, Amy Chua, she walked into a bear trap. Or I guess a tiger trap. You see, there's very little that parents enjoy more than criticizing other parents, and this lady painted a toddler leash-shaped target on her back. She even did it at just such an angle so that everyone can take shots. Oops.
I'll refrain. If you think she's evil, you know she'll get what she has coming. If you think she's a genius just saying what needed to be said, she can be your martyr. Either way, think it over, think it through, and reach your own conclusion. I'm here to make an entirely different point.
One day I'll come back to discuss this further, but let's see how my kid grows up first. We live in a world of too many experts. Or as my kindergarden teacher so wisely said: "Too many chieftans and not enough little indians just doing their jobs." Shockingly racists, I'm sure, but what a perfect statement on personal responsibility.
Moving on. So many people want their child to be the best. They want them to play on the stage at Juliard, to edit the Harvard Law Review, to be Class President at Yale, to run a Fortune 10. On and on the list goes.
I see a problem here. Well, several problems really, but I can boil it down to one main concern. Eventually. First, we're all aware that not everyone wants to be these people. We all want the best for our lives, but for everyone that 'best' is different. And we didn't decide it at age 2. Also, we're all somewhat aware that these people come from a wide variety of backgrounds. The CEO of Kelloggs was a truck driver for them first. Carl Sagan's parents didn't force him to do homework 6 hours a night. B.B. King was raised in crushing poverty, harldy ever going to school, much less Juliard, yet he played at Carnegie Hall, sold out ampitheaters, and for Presidents and Royalty.
If the fact that raising your child under such extreme conditions yields no promise of getting what you want from them isn't enough to disuade you from overparenting, then consider this. If someone learns to work so hard they can get whatever they want, is there any gaurantee that they will be qualified for what they get?
Wait, that sounds like a contradiction. It's not. Hard work can make you a rockstar on paper, or on a farm. But if you don't love it, and it doesn't love you, the consequences can be catostrophic. The level of catostrophy is directly proportional to the amount of power the job has. Think: "W".
Convinced? Let's get you there. Yale Grad, rich and powerful daddy, he was even a direct descendent of a President! Yet he failed at every thing he did every moment of every day for 8 years. A lust for power, coupled with the drive to get a job he was grotesquely underqualified for, had rancid consequences for millions of people. Strategery.
So how likely is it that the person who missed every party, every potential friendship and love interest, every dance, every football game, every kegger, so that they could be your boss one day, is actually qualified to be your boss?
Are they really smarter and more qualified, or are they just a workaholic? To be completely contrarian, isn't the mere fact that they had to work harder a sort of alarm bell? Too much? Ok, I'll back it up. How about this: In a world of information technology, which is what this world is becoming, can we afford to let imposters get ahead? People that are going to make it are...going to make it. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a world leader that would say "I would have drank myself to death in a gutter if it wasn't for such a harsh and unforgiving upbringing. Thank god my mommy emotionally abused me and denied my happiness. It turned me into the CEO of [insert name here] that I am today..." Or even worse, sub the words "been happy" for "drank myself to death in a gutter" and make the second sentence drip with sarcasm. What's more believable?
Overparenting is an overreaction to the fear of being an underparent. But if you have that fear, you're not an underparent. Underparents have no idea such a thing exists, and would never even consider that they might be underparenting. Or at least they would never do anything about it, even if they did consider it.
We must ask: "If our kid isn't actually smarter, faster, or more musically inclined, are we doing anyone a service by pushing them to become an expert in that area?" Can we afford engineers that lack creativity? Can we afford world leaders that lack social skills? CEO's that don't actually get the 'why' behind their business? Can we tolerate anymore Mickey Mouse Club House musicians?
I say no. The guaranteed cost seems to greatly outweigh the alleged benefit. We'd be better off letting the cream rise to the top naturally rather than telling the coffee it can be cream one day if it just tries harder.
Moreover, for possibly the first time in human history, many kids in the developed western world can actually be kids. Plain and simple. Just...kids. No death by measels or polio. No walking to school 10 miles each way in the snow. No factory labor at age 6. Just opportunity, love, learning, and fun. If they are among these lucky few, who are we to stop them? Who are we to take that away?
Well, well, well, I think I just found a place where overparenting and underparenting become the same thing...
Thanks for reading. Agree or disagree, I hope you thought.
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