Pre Thoughts

Welcome, one and all, to the pondering pagoda.  Mr. ToT's is putting on a new hat today...

Today, faithful readers, I'm going to dabble in the 'critic' business, but with my own little spin.  How does one 'spin' being a critic?  The cushiest, most b.s. job on the planet.  How does one make this self-proclaimed "profession" less relevant than it already is?  Like this:

I haven't yet seen the movie I'm going to review, but I'm confident that I don't really need to.  Seems like it would be a waste of time in this case.

Oh yeah, and before I forget...****spoiler alert****

Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman star in "No Strings Attached", release date...go look it up somewhere else.  Just wait till your done reading, please.  This movie is about booty calls.  Regular booty calls, between the same two people.  Kinda like When Harry Met Sally, except crappy, predictable, and with sex.

This promises to be yet another hack dramedy about modern relationships, pawned off by creatively editted previews as "original", "quirky", "insightful", and whatever other bilge phrases they decide to attach.  There's another thing you can guarantee, the descriptors on the poster won't be original.  They'll probably be copy/pasted from the Knocked Up movie poster.

Before I tear this movie apart, let me address the one reason that several people I know may consider seeing this.  No, it's not a lack of better things to do.  Drinking epicac and vomitting to death may fall under the category of 'Better things to do'.  What may lure countless unsuspecting males into theaters to sacrifice $10 of their money on this disgrace to cinema is simple - it's the promise of Natalie Portman side boob.  Possibly even nudity.  Enticing?  Mayhap, depending on your taste, but don't let it fool you, this movie will suck.  Also, considering the prude attitude of the MPAA, you're far more likely to see a shot of man ass than side boob, much less whole boob.  Another guarantee of failure.

That was the spoiler, by the way.  This movie will be fail incarnate.  I give it 5 laughs, 2 of which will be awkward.

For his part, Ashton Kutcher will do what he does best:  "Michael" from That 70's Show.  Maybe he'll mix in a little Dude Where's My Car, but what can we really expect from the guy that reprised candid camera, and substituted his famous friends for non-famous people?  It was a step down.  If you make millions of dollars doing movies and you have the nerve to take yourself seriously, die.  Picking on innocent people at the dry cleaners, thats comedy.

Natalie Portman will do what she does best:  That vaguely aloof, detached girl who seems to process things on such a deep internal level that you wonder how she ever got a career acting.  One can easily mistake any of her on screen emotions for constipation, confusion, or a combination of the two.  We all knew that girl at one point in our lives.  We called her shallow.  Or cold.  Or "hey, what's your name again?".  Hollywood likes to glorify that type lately.  Like the chick from those vampire films.  She's neither attractive nor talented.  As a good friend of mine once said "Have we run out of thin, pretty people???".

Another reason to ditch this film in favor of a cheap cigar or 6 pack of PBR, is that you can get what you want for a better price, oh ye seekers of side boob.  If you want Natalie Portman T&A without having to suffer through another romantic comedy that will surely try to shove some vague moral lesson down your throat while it rides the vortex of flushing toilet water into a predictable ending, here are some suggestions:

Black Swan - apparently she gets it on.  With herself.  Awesome.  MSNBC called it "self sex" in their review.  Let's call it what it is:  flipping the bean.  That's right...masturbation.
The Darjeeling Limited - there is a short film affixed to the beginning of this really awesome flick. In it, you get to see her naked from behind.  She's not my type, but it's a nice rear.  And the movie is funny too.  Unlike No Strings Attached, which will suck.  I promise.

So if you do one thing this weekend, avoid this film.

Thanks for reading!