Tasty Thoughts

Do you love your dog? Your cat? Your parakeet? Your pygmy marmoset? If you're like most people in a developed, first-world country, you do. But how much do you love them? I say there's a good chance that you love them too much. And not just you lonely sheep farmers, I'm talking to you, middle America.

Now animal abuse should not be tolerated.  The companionship of an animal can be invaluable, and is to millions of people across this planet. Animals do a lot of good, chiefly because they bring happiness. Furry little packages of happy. That's so cute I just threw up in the back of my mouth a little.

But every time I hear someone call their dog their "baby" or their "kid", I want to stamp their skull into the pavement. Too violent? Let me qualify it: The person's skull, not the pet's. Foreigners, take note that it is now okay because in the US of A we value pets over people.

You can interpret your own damn statistics. Isn't it enough I'm providing them for you?
-45.4 Billion.  That's the number of dollars spent on pets in the USofA in 2008
-62.6 Billion.  That the number of dollars spent on public education in the USofA in 2008. All of it.
-5000.  The estimated number of animal shelters in the USofA
-1500.  The (rough) number of shelters for abused women/children in the USofA
-$6.8 Million. The amount of Michael Vick's 2-year deal with Philly, signed in 2009
-80,500. The number of people Michael Vick's salary could have saved from homelessness

In 2006 animal rights activists tried to block an oceanic wind farm from construction off the coast of California because it would disrupt the migratory paterns of a nearly extinct species of bird. 

Birds are food. Food is something we can't live without. Energy is something we can't live without. The logical solution?  Eat all but 2 of the birds - one male, on female. Feed the rest to those battered women and homeless kids that we just don't give a shit about. Then put the remaining birds in a zoo where we can all marvel at them and pine over their sad fate. Our kids can watch their bizzare mating practices and kackle with glee. The birds can do it a bunch, then our grandkids can point and kackle at their kids. Which we will be able to do, because we didn't do something stupid like risk our own continued survival to protect a species dying of natural causes. Eff you, California. Don't come crying to me when the San Andreas Fault decides to shake your appletini's for you once and for all!

Animals have their place in this world. We need to recognize where that is: Under us in the food chain, but not under our boot. It's time for logic, reason, and rationality. It's time for real, honest thought.

And your pet is not a child. Well, not your child anyway. Weirdo.